How to Set Boundaries for Healthy Friendships

The summer is coming to an end and we are moving into cooler nights and autumn colors. School is starting and opportunities for meeting new friends at school are great ways to connect for children and adults. It’s important that we all understand how to set healthy boundaries and how to recognize a “not so friendly friend”. I wanted to share a great children’s book that helps to bring understanding around how to set boundaries.

When it comes to boundaries, we might not typically think about teaching young children how to set them. However, research shows that setting firm limits in peer relationships can be helpful in decreasing bullying.

Boundary setting is linked with greater self-care, self-worth, self-respect, and assertiveness. By teaching this skill to children, we open them up to a future of healthy relationships and friendships. 

What is a boundary?

A boundary is a limit. It can be physical, like a fence or a barrier. Or it can be an expectation or an agreement set between people to provide safety and protection. This book talks about boundaries that we set with other people, including what we are willing to accept and what we are not willing to accept in relationships. Setting a boundary shows that you love and care for yourself and how others treat you. You are in charge of what you establish as far as boundaries with other people.

When and why might we want to set a boundary?

Pay attention to and notice how you are feeling, which is also known as being self-aware. If you feel uncomfortable or upset on a regular basis in a relationship, your emotions might be trying to tell you something. It might be a sign that you need to set a boundary. If being in a relationship makes you feel small or uncomfortable or disrespected, this could be because someone is in your physical space; or they may not be valuing your thoughts or ideas, opinions, or beliefs. You may notice that this not so friendly friend is not reciprocating what you are putting into the relationship, you may feel taken advantage of or feel used. Or they may not be respecting you as a person or may be trying to control you.

Is setting a boundary easy or hard?

Setting boundaries is often not easy, especially when you are new to it. You might be afraid it will make the other person mad, but a true friend will support you in doing what is best for you. If they do get mad, then you have learned that they aren’t a very good friend. Sometimes we know we need to set a boundary but we don’t know how or we keep talking ourself out of it and avoid the hard conversation. Just like a muscle grows stronger with more exercise, boundary-setting skills grow stronger with more practice. It will get easier and you will get better at it!

What is a good friend? What do they say or do?

Good friends are kind, helpful, considerate, dependable, honest, and communicative. They do things to make you feel good, happy, supported, and loved. Friends are fun to be with, like to share with you, consider your feelings, and use kind words to solve conflicts with you. They want you to be your true self, and you want that for them too!

If I set a boundary, am I being mean?

Boundary setting may make you feel like you’re being mean, but really you’re not! When a person sets a boundary, they are actually being nice to the person we should all be nicest too; ourselves. Showing ourselves love and respect is one of the best things we can do throughout our life.

I trust that we can use honest communication and be assertive when we need to stand up for ourselves and we can help our children do the same. This book has some great information and could be a great resource for you and your family! You can order it online. I love that it makes setting healthy boundaries something that we can all do! 

Here’s to knowing that we are worthy of healthy relationships and making new friends! 

Loves, Pam